Five things that are better than drink driving  

As cultural experts with an eye on the cutting edge, we’ve heard that there’s some kind of religious festival coming up. Its name escapes us, but apparently you’re supposed to eat, drink and be merry around this time of year. Now we’re pretty sure it’ll never catch on – but if it did, it would be easy to get carried away. UK alcohol consumption goes up by 40% in December*, and just 21% of young people know how many units they’re allowed to drink before they drive*. So in our role as defenders of the road – and destroyers of stupidity – here’s a list of the top five things that are officially better than drink driving.

1) Being thrown up on

The night bus is a microcosm of modern Britain. It smells a bit weird, most people are drunk, and you’re constantly in danger of being thrown up on. But as you sit there, scraping warm vomit off your waterproof jacket, you’re still winning – because somewhere in an alternative universe you decided to drive home, and ended up with a £2,500 fine and a lifetime ban.

2) Pretending to be unconscious

Every now and then, you’re stuck with a taxi driver who wants to show you pictures of their children. And sometimes that’s okay. But when you’ve spent a night listening to Carol from accounts talking about embroidery at the Christmas party, you’ve reached your limit of tolerance to droning. This is when you pull a classic move – you close your eyes and casually project a light snore. Sorry Mr Driver, but the next ten minutes is all mine.

3) Getting mugged

Ah, the night tube. A chance to be stuck in an enclosed space with an increasingly angry man who wants to steal your kebab. You try to avoid eye contact. You pretend you can’t hear him shouting at you from four seats away. You even debate getting off five stops early just to put a stop to all this. But in the end, it’s futile. So you hand over your meat, and your dignity with it. Goodbye, self-worth. Hello, hunger.

4) Sleeping under a pub table

Picture yourself waking up, and peeling your arm off a sticky floor. Your iPhone says it’s 7.12am. Where are you? It’s difficult to say. But wait a minute – you recognise that carpet. You’re either at Auntie Joan’s, or on the floor of your local Wetherspoons. Regret floods through your veins, until you realise that the pub opens in two hours, and you’re perfectly placed to take advantage of their breakfast combo deal.

5) Wrestling a pterodactyl

The less said about this one the better. We’ve all been there, done that, and got the peck holes to prove it. And as terrifying as it was, it was still way better than appearing on the front page of your local newspaper, next to the headline: ‘Local idiot jailed for drink-driving stupidity.’

Whatever you do this Christmas, please don’t drink and drive. If you’re not sure whether you’re over the limit or not, you can use this handy website as a rough guide.


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